hopes

Ok, so the last four posts have hopefully shown how confused I have been emotionally. Do I want this? Do I not want this? Am I ready? Am I not ready?

From the very beginning, I decided to try to convince myself that I am not ready - I don't want to be pregnant yet. That way, when it didn't happen for me this month, I wouldn't be disappointed - rather, I'd be relieved. For reasons I've mentioned before, I'd really like to start NEXT month.

Mostly, the dialogue in my head was to keep me from getting my hopes up and having to patiently wait for a pregnancy test that would just be false.

But then, I put too much hope in the period itself. I put too much weight on the fate of this week. As I mentioned in a previous post, this week is do or die week.

So here we are towards the end of the week, and nothing.

But I had already settled on the fact that I didn't want nothing. I wanted my monthly bill so I could have another go. I'm not ready.

I have fully convinced myself of this to the extent that now THAT's what my hopes are on.

Tomorrow I will take a pregnancy test and one way or the other, I'll be relieved. Just to know. Just to put this whole debate in my head to rest.

If it's negative, I'll know to take this next month seriously and get right to work.
It it's positive, I'll be glad to have a jump start on my pregnancy.