the test

Yesterday, I promised I'd take a pregnancy test today.
I had no idea what I was putting myself through.

First, I had to go to the store to purchase a test. I walked into CVS and headed towards the pharmacy, but realized I had no clue where they were located. Instinctively, I went to the "Feminine Care" aisle. All I found there was an ironic assortment of tampons, jellies and creams (each designed to remind you you're not pregnant and encourage you to try).

I remembered an aisle a couple down had a label "Home Diagnostics" so I thought I'd give that a try, and when I circled around to it, saw that one of the labels on the back said "Family Planning". Immediately upon turning into the aisle, I noticed the symbols of pregnancy tests. However, I didn't get a good look at them because there was a middle aged man standing right in front of them, browsing.

I suddenly became very aware of what I was doing and where I was. In that moment, I felt young, out of place and awkward. So I smoothly walk past him and pretend to look at the gauze and ankle wraps at the end of the aisle. I even checked out some end caps, where I was thisclose to buying a weekly pill planner.

Eventually, the man left and I was able to check out my testing options. Not knowing ept from 1st response, I again felt very unprepared. I still felt very conspicuous and the pharmacists were right there and people kept walking by. I quickly grabbed the CVS brand (it was on sale - and man, those things are expensive!) and went to check out.

Back home, I anxiously went to try out my product. Wanting to see what the test actually looked at, I opened it up and pulled it out of its wrapping. I never realized they had a protective cap on them. I really thought women were just flinging around urine in their excitement to show people the results.

Everything I read told me to follow the instructions carefully, so I dug those out of the box and read through the steps. One of the first things it said was to use the test IMMEDIATELY after unwrapping it from the foil. Oops, first mistake. It had been out for at least a minute by this point.

So I quickly read the rest of the steps and head to the toilet. I hadn't peed all morning, so I was pretty ready to go. Or so I thought.

Because of the pressure, I suddenly found myself unable to pee. I forced some out and stuck the test in, but being so conscious of my urine made the stream stop. But nothing was on the stick. I tried again, and despite further difficulty, I managed to get what I needed. I put the cap on (backwards at first), and started the stopwatch.

2 minutes go by. No lines - not even the control line. The test says it's not valid if no line shows up and after 10 minutes, not to even bother reading it. So I wait ten minutes... and throw it away. Useless.

So now here I am, with only further anxiety than I had this morning. I just want to know one way or the other...

I can either try again later tonight, or first thing tomorrow morning (when the levels are higher anyway). I'm just glad I bought a multipack, cause there's no way I'm going back out in this cold, into another awkward store situation just to find out I didn't do it right...

hopes

Ok, so the last four posts have hopefully shown how confused I have been emotionally. Do I want this? Do I not want this? Am I ready? Am I not ready?

From the very beginning, I decided to try to convince myself that I am not ready - I don't want to be pregnant yet. That way, when it didn't happen for me this month, I wouldn't be disappointed - rather, I'd be relieved. For reasons I've mentioned before, I'd really like to start NEXT month.

Mostly, the dialogue in my head was to keep me from getting my hopes up and having to patiently wait for a pregnancy test that would just be false.

But then, I put too much hope in the period itself. I put too much weight on the fate of this week. As I mentioned in a previous post, this week is do or die week.

So here we are towards the end of the week, and nothing.

But I had already settled on the fact that I didn't want nothing. I wanted my monthly bill so I could have another go. I'm not ready.

I have fully convinced myself of this to the extent that now THAT's what my hopes are on.

Tomorrow I will take a pregnancy test and one way or the other, I'll be relieved. Just to know. Just to put this whole debate in my head to rest.

If it's negative, I'll know to take this next month seriously and get right to work.
It it's positive, I'll be glad to have a jump start on my pregnancy.

busy bee

They saw forgetfulness is a symptom of pregnancy - but not necessarily because of anything hormonal - simply because they have so much on their brain.

I'm getting some foreshadowing of that symptom.
This week, I've been at school every night long after the students have left. Conferences, lesson planning, field trips, grades, etc.
Not to mention grad school, youth ministry, my personal life, a backed up DVR (Idol started AND it's awards season)...

As I walk through the hallway yesterday simultaneously reading the book I'm planning on teaching next week - it hits me. I don't have time to worry about trying to get pregnant. I just don't have time to read through the pregnancy books and all that. There's just no room on the to-do list for "pregnancy", or even "preparing for pregnancy".

Then, today, I contemplated this as I, yet again, left school late - work unfinished - and realized that I can't NOT put this on my to-do list.

I don't know what's going to come off the list. I really don't. Grad school is almost done - I HAVE to finish. I can't slough off at school - it's not in my nature. TV is what I use to relax. Youth ministry is what keeps me real.

Since I can't figure out the time crunch myself, I'm just going to have to give it to God - the controller of time. He will help me organize my time. He will help me accomplish tasks faster. He will help me say no to what doesn't really need to get done. He will help me get a good night's sleep at night and energy during the day.

That's my prayer. That's my only hope for sanity in the next phase of my life...

damned

This is the week - the first of it's kind.
Ok, well not really. There have been other weeks where I waited in anticipation of the infamous "rebooting of the ovarian operating system" (p.s. googling euphemisms for menstruation is rather humorous. you should try it).

So I'm supposed to start menstruation this week, and honestly, I fully expect to. However, as I alluded to in my last post, I've been working really hard this month and well I'd kind of like it if for some reason my Aunt Flo decided not to travel my way for a while.

Either way, I told myself I wouldn't assume one thing or the other until the end of this week. Then I would know.

So this is the first week where it's all up in the air and whatever happens, I feel like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I do, I'll be a little disappointed because I was hoping to be one month down and that much closer to the reality of a baby in my arms. If I don't, then I'd be worried I didn't get to really give this pregnancy thing a good beginning.
(For optimists out there - if I do, I'll get my 2nd chance and if I don't, I'll get my baby sooner.)

I write this AS I feel my first symptom of any kind - and I'm pretty sure it's PMS. I think it's going to be a long week one way or the other.

trial run

I know I am not ready yet (see previous post) but there is always a chance I'd have to be. So in my desperate attempt to be better informed, I decided to immediately practice what I was reading.
Which meant very drastic changes.
The websites I found, my "expert" friends and the books I read all told me what I can and cannot eat, do, etc. Most of this research was done "live" - for instance I found out I shouldn't eat lunch meat AS I was eating a delicious Subway sandwich (I still finished it, for the record).
However, once I learned the hard way, I never forgot - like with nonpasteurized meat. At Winter Camp, when the only option was hot dogs, I chose not to eat at all. And I had a headache that I couldn't do anything about cause I couldn't remember what was safe and what wasn't.

I'm so grateful that this month is more or less a "trial" because I have been making so many mistakes or just eating what I want without even thinking about it. I need this month to figure out what I'm doing so that when it's real, I won't make the same basic mistakes.

Except, now that I've been through this first month and been working so hard, I have to say I kind of wish it was real so I don't have to extend this effort any further than I have to. I'm sure this consciousness is helpful in general, but man, it's a lot of work.

not ready yet

Although conversations have been occuring for the past few months, this month was the first time we actual got serious about growing our family.
However, after the first "attempt" I freaked out about the implications of such a decision. I felt comfortable about the prospect of the baby itself because I knew I'd have 9 months to "get it together". But I hadn't actually prepared for actually being PREGNANT.
I didn't know the first thing about being pregnant. I purposefully avoided asking too many questions, or any at all, to friends who had been pregnant. I didn't really want to know, cause I wasn't ready to know. But now I was forced to know exactly what is involved in getting pregnant and being pregnant.
I'm supposed to take what now? and where do I find those? Am I supposed to have a baby doctor by now? How do I go about getting one of those? Should I buy some books? What websites are legitimate? How do I sift through the millions of articles to find one that's helpful.

I felt much more unprepared for THIS than for marriage. I had spent my whole life planning my wedding, read all sorts of relationship books, was a daily visitor to theknot.com, took pre-marital counseling, etc. Although, I was thoroughly embarrassed when I still didn't know how to use basic kitchen appliances...
Imagine how embarrassing my baby shower is going to be... What is this contraption? I'm supposed to put that WHERE?

There's sooo much to learn. Being a perfectionist, I feel like I can't start something that I don't know 100% about. I don't know anything about this - how can I possibly be good at it, let alone PERFECT?

So I decided I am not ready at all. Even though in the weeks that have followed, I have found some good websites, bought some informative books and have regularly taken prenatal vitamins, I still don't feel ready. I need more time.