September 17

September 17, 2003, 12:01am
It's now officially my 20th birthday and I'm crying. Alone in my car on the side of the street sobbing my eyes out. And the fact that my birthday is starting out so pathetically makes me cry that much more. Seriously, life is not fair.

And thus it began. Not my twenties, although technically that is how my twenties began, but my adventure. The adventure I didn't realize I was about to take.

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You see, I was pathetically crying in my car because I was heartbroken. The boy who made me laugh was about to make somebody else laugh. The friend I shared all my secrets with was going to let somebody else share secrets with him. I was grieved over the loss of the best friendship I had ever had. But I knew it had to end. Guys and girls can't be friends. Precisely because of this reason. I was a fool for thinking he would choose my friendship over a relationship with somebody else.

I thought I was done crying about this boy. The one who broke my heart last year. I had already resigned myself to the fact that we weren't as "meant to be" as I had once hoped. I had spent the entire first year of college convincing myself and others (including him) that we belonged together and decided this year to let it go. Move on. And I did. I found somebody else to infatuate myself with, instead.

Apparently, so did he. Great. Maybe he'll let me go, too. We can let go of this idea we have of each other. Because as long as he thinks something could happen, he'll hold me closer than I need to be held. I value our friendship too much to see it held hostage by the "what if"s.

Before I let him break my heart again, I need to end this. I need to let go, not just of him in the romantic sense, but of the friendship as well. We can't be friends. It's not fair to either one of us.

I dried my eyes with the new resolve and went upstairs to sleep.
I went about the next day as normally as a 20th birthday can be. Phone calls and special attention. I loved it. Even though Facebook was currently being created and texting wasn't yet readily available, I still felt special and honored. My friends and I had planned a trip down to Lambert's for some thrown-roll, free-birthday-meal action. The boy came too, but before we went, I told him that we needed to talk later that night. He replied, "Yeah, there's something I want to talk to you about too."

Ugh, so it's true. He IS going to ask her out. I suppose it's nice he's at least telling me about it beforehand. But that's what friends do, right? Oh, what am I doing? I need to end this. I can't stand the idea of being this close with a guy who will never again choose me first. His girlfriend will always be his first choice, his confidant, the one he seeks to make laugh.

Dinner was fun. We rode in separate cars. I chose the car with the guy I had a crush on, because even though I was sure nothing was ever going to come of it, it was nice to think about somebody else for a change. I went home and starting crying again before I could prepare myself to make the phone call.

I summoned the courage and dialed.

"Ok, here's the deal. We can't be friends anymore. You're going to date somebody and eventually I'll date somebody and it's not fair to them and it's not fair to us. I can't stand the idea of sharing our friendship with anybody. I know it'll just end in pain, so I just have to end it now. I'm sorry."

Dead silence.

"Are you there? I'm sorry. It just hurts me so much. Your friendship has meant so much to me. You've gotten me through so much, but I just, I just can't. I'm sorry."

Nervous laughter.

Finally, he replied, "Umm... well, it's just that. Ahem. I'm sorry you feel that way. I, um. Well, okay. I actually called to tell you that I... I actually want to be more than friends. I completely understand where you are coming from and I will honor your feelings if that's what you really want but. I like you. I really like you. And I really want to ask you out..."

Dead silence again.

The boy liked me? All that time, all that heartache? and he LIKED me?

"Wait, ME? You were supposed to ask somebody else out. You told me you had a crush on her and our friend told me you were going to ask her out..."

"You could tell I had feelings for somebody but I was too nervous to admit it was you. I lied and told you it was somebody else. And our friends are terrible about spreading rumors, because the person I wanted to ask out is you. But I haven't been able to. You make me so nervous. I like you so much."

I honestly was too flabbergasted to even answer him. I had given up on him. I had poured so much of myself into liking him and subsequently getting over him that I couldn't go back. I had resolved not to get hurt again.

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Eventually, I was convinced that he wasn't going to hurt me. That this was it for us. It had to be it for us. If it didn't work, there was no second chance. My heart wouldn't allow it.

And so, my 20th birthday was the last time I felt that kind of heartache. Life has thrown many things at me since then that have broken my heart, but I've never again felt the despair of losing my best friend. He has always been there to help me through The Times of Broken Hearts.

I'm grateful every day for the boy I cried over on my 20th birthday. But I'm even more grateful for the man I cried to throughout my 20s. The man I married and had 2 children with. The man who chooses every day to be my best friend. He's been my compadre, my partner-in-crime, my tour-guide through adventure.

It's been the best 10 years of my life. Happy September 17th.

Dear twenty-something self

                Thank you. You have inspired me in more ways than I can even count. You made friendships so deep, they’ll never die. You chose selflessness and realized it was love. You bravely embraced new challenges like moving away from family. You sought out ways to learn and grow. You never gave up on your calling, even when it resulted in tears. You set goals and worked hard to meet them. You worked hard to discover what God meant when He said to love Him and love others.

                Thank you. You made memories that I can never forget. You went places I never thought I’d get to go. You laughed about silly things. You had dance parties and karaoke parties and TV show parties. You made cakes and cookies and koolaid just to have something to share with others. You took way too many pictures in an effort to capture every second. You went to weddings and graduations and delighted with your friends. You went on family vacations so epic, you’ll talk about them for years. You went to state fairs and zoos and baseball games and concerts.

                Thank you. You extended my family. You said yes to the boy who made you laugh. You chose to love him every day even when he drove you C.R.A.Z.Y. You prayed for him. You encouraged him when he just wanted to give up. You bought Yoda presents and listened to sports talk radio. You went on adventures together simply because you could. You brought home a stray cat. You chose to raise a family. You read every parenting book and blog. You simultaneously cut back on caffeine and sleep. You gave birth to a baby girl and stressed every day about doing it right. You played peek-a-boo and changed diapers and decided to do it all over again. You put your toddler on your burgeoning belly in order to maintain your bedtime routine of reading stories together. You gave birth to another girl and showed me what it means to expand your heart.

                Thank you. You chose life. Every day, you chose abundant life. You went on crazy adventures and followed your dreams. You made me grateful for my youth, my health, and my relative wealth. Your tenacious hold on living life to the fullest made me realize that age is just a way to measure the memories. You made me excited to enter the next phase. I am forever in your debt.

                Thank you, and goodbye. It was really nice to know you. I hope my thirty-something self is just as awesome.