Isaac

By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned."

The past few months have been very confusing for me. I want to be pregnant; I don't want to be pregnant. I think I am pregnant; I am not ready to be pregnant. Ups and downs and all sorts of craziness.

I've been really trying to just reason it out to make it perfect:
*I want a 2010 birthday, but not a winter birthday.
*If I get pregnant now, then this is when I'd be reporting back to work - is this a good unit for a sub to cover?
*Maybe if I hold out one more month, I can fly in for all the September birthdays this year.
*This month isn't going to be the month, cause I'm just in the mood tonight, and tonight's really the only night that the online calendar says we should try.
*I haven't been faithfully taking my prenatals, so maybe we should wait another month.
*I still need to read another book about being pregnant.
*Ok, I read a book on being pregnant, I'm ready right this second.
*The book says to avoid Mexican cheese, so maybe we should wait til after Cinco de Mayo
*March would be a good month, since we're naming our kid something Irish anyway.
*My best friend is pregnant, so that means I need to be.
*My other best friend won't let pregnant women in her wedding, so maybe I should wait.
*Maybe a dog is a better fit than a baby. Let's adpot this cute puppy I've found. It's what God wants.


And that's the thing. I reason it out and then say "It must be what God wants." Somehow, my logic equals God's will. (Proverbs 21:2 seems to disagree.) I have used all these things as indications of what God wants, instead of outright asking Him.

I even came right out this weekend and told people what I'm learning from God. I said I'm learning that "God wants me to want it, but doesn't want me to have it." Which very well could be true, and seems like it could be true, but I don't know that. I honestly don't know what God wants.

All I know is that I'm basically freaking out about it and trying to rationalize it to the point that I've actually made up God's will for my life (and it's of course based on what I've determined is the best course of action).

But reading those verses in Hebrews reminded me that it could very well seem that God wants/doesn't want me to have a child right now. But what I see isn't really the whole picture. Ultimately, I have to give it to God and just trust that whatever God's will REALLY is, that I'll let it happen. I won't try to reason it out; I'll just let it be.

I'll lay my proverbial pregnancy on the altar and say:
"God, I really don't know what you're doing here. I don't know what to expect or how this matches with what I think to be true. But I do know that you have promised to take care of me and my family. I do know that you gave me a Godly marriage and the desire to want children. I know that no matter what, you'll provide for me everything I need and that your will and your timing is perfect. So I lay it here for you to do what you will. My ovulation calendars and pregnancy books, prenatal pills and baby names. It's all yours. I will trust you to do as you wish, even if it's not in my plan."

parallel

Here's the story of 2 friends:
About 7 years ago, Cathy and Tracy were introduced to each other by a mutual friend who realized the two had a lot in common. In fact, they were both in the midst of a very identical struggle. They each thought they were the only person in the world dealing with that issue, so they were instantly relieved to find another person just like them. They bonded over the next year as they helped each other go through that particular issue.

Through the course of that time, they discovered they actually had a lot more in common and their lives started to parallel each other. They both graduated college at the same time and dealt with the "Now what?" questions. They both got engaged and married within 18 months of the other one. They both helped their spouse figure out which seminaries to apply to and eventually packed up and moved away from their families to start a new life at that seminary. They both dealt with making new friends, balancing finding a personal life with professional life, new pets, etc.

So when Tracy started telling Cathy she was thinking about getting pregnant, she thought it would only be natural if Cathy was too. Tracy wanted to start trying, but life kept getting in the way. Even though Cathy wasn't trying, she was very interested in the possibility. They both talked to each other about websites, books, tips, etc. on getting pregnant and being pregnant. They knew it would be hard to time out their pregnancies, but they secretly hoped it would happen around the same time. They even joked about having a boy and a girl that grew up and married each other. It was all in good fun.

But then, unexpectedly, Cathy got pregnant. Tracy was ecstatic! She knew how much her friend was hoping to get started on the pregnancy process, and was happy it happened so quickly for her. But Tracy knew this meant that she'd have to get to work if she wanted the parallel life to continue...

(To Be Continued)

P.S. I am not Cathy

on time

I'm so relieved to get my monthly bill on time. Exactly 28 days since my last one, which is so much better than the 40+ days last cycle. I would hate to have to wait - not just to find out if February had more love than I thought, but also to get started on my March luck.
So bring on the luck of the Irish...