People keep saying babies’ diapers don't stink "Just wait until they start solids" etc etc... But here's the real truth - to a new mom, it stinks. My Pooh Bear's diapers can make my eyes water. I'm 100% sure that once she does start solids, the stink will increase and I will grow accustomed to the new, much stinkier smell, thus making her current level of stink seem like perfume to my hardened nose. But to me, right now, my infant's diapers stink. Telling me otherwise is not helpful.
While we're on the subject, anytime you start a statement with "Just wait" you can guarantee it also won't be helpful. It's actually very discouraging. If you don't believe me, read this and this. I got this all 9 months of pregnancy, and it was just as NOT helpful then, too. "You say nausea's bad? Just wait until you start contractions. That's REALLY going to suck" You're right, but so does nausea. Don't diminish my current suffering by telling me how much more you suffered and acting as if it's something I should look forward to as some sort of rite of passage. I'm sure there will be a day when the worst possible thing will happen to me, but for now, my daughter's poop stinks.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
maternity leave
My maternity leave expired last week, so in honor of my time off, I'm blogging all the things I learned the past 13 weeks. I'm starting with one of the most profound lessons I learned:
*Affirming my Calling/Those Who Love Teaching, Teach
By the time I started my maternity leave, I was mooooore than ready to LEAVE. After all, I had already planned a year’s worth of lessons and teaching while pregnant is exhausting (doing anything while pregnant is exhausting!!). I was convinced I was walking out the door for good. I was done.
Then a surprising thing happened – I missed it. A LOT. I missed lesson planning. I missed setting clear expectations and watching my students rise to meet them. I hated just seeing their grades and not knowing how they earned them or how I could help them improve them. I missed my coworkers and committees. I missed my students and the adorable things they say. I missed their laughter and their growth. I hated missing teachable moments anytime something happened in the news. I missed school dances and field trips.
I know with 100% certainty that I belong in the classroom and that’s where I’ll be come fall. However, I also know it can’t be the same as the previous years. I either need to change to a part-time position or just naturally learn to cut back (good luck with that!). I can’t work 50 hour weeks anymore. Baby Girl will make sure of it.
*Affirming my Calling/Those Who Love Teaching, Teach
By the time I started my maternity leave, I was mooooore than ready to LEAVE. After all, I had already planned a year’s worth of lessons and teaching while pregnant is exhausting (doing anything while pregnant is exhausting!!). I was convinced I was walking out the door for good. I was done.
Then a surprising thing happened – I missed it. A LOT. I missed lesson planning. I missed setting clear expectations and watching my students rise to meet them. I hated just seeing their grades and not knowing how they earned them or how I could help them improve them. I missed my coworkers and committees. I missed my students and the adorable things they say. I missed their laughter and their growth. I hated missing teachable moments anytime something happened in the news. I missed school dances and field trips.
I know with 100% certainty that I belong in the classroom and that’s where I’ll be come fall. However, I also know it can’t be the same as the previous years. I either need to change to a part-time position or just naturally learn to cut back (good luck with that!). I can’t work 50 hour weeks anymore. Baby Girl will make sure of it.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
throwing off what hinders
Well it has been over a year since my last post. Part of the reason it has been so long is due to my not wanting to have start any new blog with an update. So I would put it off and then the update would need to be bigger and I would put it off more, etc.
So I'm not going to update.
Because I need to post. I need to blog. I need to start again and I don't need excuses to stop me.
Eventually, perhaps I'll catch you up. Because a lot of great blogs happened in my head in the meantime.
Until then, I'm just going to blog what I can when I can. It's good for me.
Here's what you need to know: I did get pregnant and I had a baby. She was born on March 2, 2011 and I'd love to tell you what an incredible journey it was (and is).
For the record, in an attempt to sort of be discreet because apparently that's the appropriate thing for mothers to do, I won't use her real name. Instead I'll be calling her many variations of things like Baby Bear, Sweet Girl, etc.
People who know who I am know who she is and those who don't don't need to.
So enjoy reading. It's good to be back.
So I'm not going to update.
Because I need to post. I need to blog. I need to start again and I don't need excuses to stop me.
Eventually, perhaps I'll catch you up. Because a lot of great blogs happened in my head in the meantime.
Until then, I'm just going to blog what I can when I can. It's good for me.
Here's what you need to know: I did get pregnant and I had a baby. She was born on March 2, 2011 and I'd love to tell you what an incredible journey it was (and is).
For the record, in an attempt to sort of be discreet because apparently that's the appropriate thing for mothers to do, I won't use her real name. Instead I'll be calling her many variations of things like Baby Bear, Sweet Girl, etc.
People who know who I am know who she is and those who don't don't need to.
So enjoy reading. It's good to be back.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Monday
Day 42.
After 2 weeks of confusing and misleading symptoms and anxiously awaiting a sign one way or the other, I decide to take yet another pregnancy test.
After I set the stick down and start the 2-minute timer, I notice my period has started after all.
Today is possibly the worst Monday of them all.
After 2 weeks of confusing and misleading symptoms and anxiously awaiting a sign one way or the other, I decide to take yet another pregnancy test.
After I set the stick down and start the 2-minute timer, I notice my period has started after all.
Today is possibly the worst Monday of them all.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
negative is negative
The overwhelming majority of me really wants to believe the negative test. I knew my heart would break if I took it and it was negative. The moment I buy a test, I believe it could have a positive result (otherwise I wouldn't have bought it - why are pee sticks so expensive?).
But I bought it anyway. and I took one last night and one this morning for good measure. I took them without really experiencing any of the Fantastic Five that are usually associated with pregnancy - Frequent Restroom Breaks, Fatigue, Morning sickness, Sore Breasts, and the obvious Missed Period...
okay, so there was that day when I barely made it to the end of the school day without taking a nap on my desk - but what teacher working 50hr+ weeks doesn't feel that way??
and well I AM on Day 36 of my cycle, but remember a couple cycles ago? I might as well have called it Lent cause I apparently gave up menstruation for 40 days. They say not to worry until a few days after your longest period. Without any of those other symptoms, I was planning on doing just that.
But, then I had a weird cramp. I told my pregnancy-expert friend who said that matched what is referred to as "implantation cramping" and I need to take a test.
She told me while I was several hours away from home, so on the long drive back all I did was contemplate the likelihood that this was so.
I thought about the big five. I'm not all that symptomatic with PMS as it is, and not everybody experiences those. Maybe there are other signs. I did break out about a week ago. Acne has been associated with the hormonal changes in pregnancy. Coupled with some other symptoms that may or may not be legit, I started to believe it.
So before we pulled in for the night, I bought the test and put all my hopes and dreams in it. My expectations were now resting upon a $7 piece of plastic. The two-minute mark came and there was just a negative sign. By the time I repeated it in the morning, I still had some hope for a positive.
Going to church this morning, my heart was broken. The heart I had been trying so hard to protect. If I could just have 28 day cycles every month, this wouldnt be a problem. I started cursing the heavens and blaming God for not protecting me. And as I sat there, I thought about how grateful I am that I only told two people I was even taking the test - my husband and the friend who told me to take it. It hurt me just to tell them because I knew their expectations were high too. They were just as confused. I didn't want to be sitting in a room full of happy shiny people when all I wanted to do was cry.
But the music sang about a wonderful God we could trust. The hope we have in the Creator. The strength we get from His presence.
And the message was about needing each other. And how in the pain and struggles of the world, the one place and the one time we can get healing, no matter what, is church. That God meets us here to redeem us once again from the hurt and destruction that is caused throughout the week. He reminded us that God meets us everywhere, but sometimes we forget He exists at all until we're surrounded by those who testify about Him. We can trust His timing. We need to surrender our control to Him.
And I remembered that's what I said I would do. I gave him this child. I gave him this pregnancy. This whole trying affair.
But He needs more. I need to surrender all. My self, my life, my all. I can't give him a piece of me and not the whole thing, cause they're attached. I need to give him my heart. My expectations. My hopes and fears. Let Him tell me what to expect, what to read, what to be afraid of, what to plan ahead of time and what to wait on...
So here's my white flag.
But I bought it anyway. and I took one last night and one this morning for good measure. I took them without really experiencing any of the Fantastic Five that are usually associated with pregnancy - Frequent Restroom Breaks, Fatigue, Morning sickness, Sore Breasts, and the obvious Missed Period...
okay, so there was that day when I barely made it to the end of the school day without taking a nap on my desk - but what teacher working 50hr+ weeks doesn't feel that way??
and well I AM on Day 36 of my cycle, but remember a couple cycles ago? I might as well have called it Lent cause I apparently gave up menstruation for 40 days. They say not to worry until a few days after your longest period. Without any of those other symptoms, I was planning on doing just that.
But, then I had a weird cramp. I told my pregnancy-expert friend who said that matched what is referred to as "implantation cramping" and I need to take a test.
She told me while I was several hours away from home, so on the long drive back all I did was contemplate the likelihood that this was so.
I thought about the big five. I'm not all that symptomatic with PMS as it is, and not everybody experiences those. Maybe there are other signs. I did break out about a week ago. Acne has been associated with the hormonal changes in pregnancy. Coupled with some other symptoms that may or may not be legit, I started to believe it.
So before we pulled in for the night, I bought the test and put all my hopes and dreams in it. My expectations were now resting upon a $7 piece of plastic. The two-minute mark came and there was just a negative sign. By the time I repeated it in the morning, I still had some hope for a positive.
Going to church this morning, my heart was broken. The heart I had been trying so hard to protect. If I could just have 28 day cycles every month, this wouldnt be a problem. I started cursing the heavens and blaming God for not protecting me. And as I sat there, I thought about how grateful I am that I only told two people I was even taking the test - my husband and the friend who told me to take it. It hurt me just to tell them because I knew their expectations were high too. They were just as confused. I didn't want to be sitting in a room full of happy shiny people when all I wanted to do was cry.
But the music sang about a wonderful God we could trust. The hope we have in the Creator. The strength we get from His presence.
And the message was about needing each other. And how in the pain and struggles of the world, the one place and the one time we can get healing, no matter what, is church. That God meets us here to redeem us once again from the hurt and destruction that is caused throughout the week. He reminded us that God meets us everywhere, but sometimes we forget He exists at all until we're surrounded by those who testify about Him. We can trust His timing. We need to surrender our control to Him.
And I remembered that's what I said I would do. I gave him this child. I gave him this pregnancy. This whole trying affair.
But He needs more. I need to surrender all. My self, my life, my all. I can't give him a piece of me and not the whole thing, cause they're attached. I need to give him my heart. My expectations. My hopes and fears. Let Him tell me what to expect, what to read, what to be afraid of, what to plan ahead of time and what to wait on...
So here's my white flag.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Isaac
By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned."
The past few months have been very confusing for me. I want to be pregnant; I don't want to be pregnant. I think I am pregnant; I am not ready to be pregnant. Ups and downs and all sorts of craziness.
I've been really trying to just reason it out to make it perfect:
*I want a 2010 birthday, but not a winter birthday.
*If I get pregnant now, then this is when I'd be reporting back to work - is this a good unit for a sub to cover?
*Maybe if I hold out one more month, I can fly in for all the September birthdays this year.
*This month isn't going to be the month, cause I'm just in the mood tonight, and tonight's really the only night that the online calendar says we should try.
*I haven't been faithfully taking my prenatals, so maybe we should wait another month.
*I still need to read another book about being pregnant.
*Ok, I read a book on being pregnant, I'm ready right this second.
*The book says to avoid Mexican cheese, so maybe we should wait til after Cinco de Mayo
*March would be a good month, since we're naming our kid something Irish anyway.
*My best friend is pregnant, so that means I need to be.
*My other best friend won't let pregnant women in her wedding, so maybe I should wait.
*Maybe a dog is a better fit than a baby. Let's adpot this cute puppy I've found. It's what God wants.
And that's the thing. I reason it out and then say "It must be what God wants." Somehow, my logic equals God's will. (Proverbs 21:2 seems to disagree.) I have used all these things as indications of what God wants, instead of outright asking Him.
I even came right out this weekend and told people what I'm learning from God. I said I'm learning that "God wants me to want it, but doesn't want me to have it." Which very well could be true, and seems like it could be true, but I don't know that. I honestly don't know what God wants.
All I know is that I'm basically freaking out about it and trying to rationalize it to the point that I've actually made up God's will for my life (and it's of course based on what I've determined is the best course of action).
But reading those verses in Hebrews reminded me that it could very well seem that God wants/doesn't want me to have a child right now. But what I see isn't really the whole picture. Ultimately, I have to give it to God and just trust that whatever God's will REALLY is, that I'll let it happen. I won't try to reason it out; I'll just let it be.
I'll lay my proverbial pregnancy on the altar and say:
"God, I really don't know what you're doing here. I don't know what to expect or how this matches with what I think to be true. But I do know that you have promised to take care of me and my family. I do know that you gave me a Godly marriage and the desire to want children. I know that no matter what, you'll provide for me everything I need and that your will and your timing is perfect. So I lay it here for you to do what you will. My ovulation calendars and pregnancy books, prenatal pills and baby names. It's all yours. I will trust you to do as you wish, even if it's not in my plan."
The past few months have been very confusing for me. I want to be pregnant; I don't want to be pregnant. I think I am pregnant; I am not ready to be pregnant. Ups and downs and all sorts of craziness.
I've been really trying to just reason it out to make it perfect:
*I want a 2010 birthday, but not a winter birthday.
*If I get pregnant now, then this is when I'd be reporting back to work - is this a good unit for a sub to cover?
*Maybe if I hold out one more month, I can fly in for all the September birthdays this year.
*This month isn't going to be the month, cause I'm just in the mood tonight, and tonight's really the only night that the online calendar says we should try.
*I haven't been faithfully taking my prenatals, so maybe we should wait another month.
*I still need to read another book about being pregnant.
*Ok, I read a book on being pregnant, I'm ready right this second.
*The book says to avoid Mexican cheese, so maybe we should wait til after Cinco de Mayo
*March would be a good month, since we're naming our kid something Irish anyway.
*My best friend is pregnant, so that means I need to be.
*My other best friend won't let pregnant women in her wedding, so maybe I should wait.
*Maybe a dog is a better fit than a baby. Let's adpot this cute puppy I've found. It's what God wants.
And that's the thing. I reason it out and then say "It must be what God wants." Somehow, my logic equals God's will. (Proverbs 21:2 seems to disagree.) I have used all these things as indications of what God wants, instead of outright asking Him.
I even came right out this weekend and told people what I'm learning from God. I said I'm learning that "God wants me to want it, but doesn't want me to have it." Which very well could be true, and seems like it could be true, but I don't know that. I honestly don't know what God wants.
All I know is that I'm basically freaking out about it and trying to rationalize it to the point that I've actually made up God's will for my life (and it's of course based on what I've determined is the best course of action).
But reading those verses in Hebrews reminded me that it could very well seem that God wants/doesn't want me to have a child right now. But what I see isn't really the whole picture. Ultimately, I have to give it to God and just trust that whatever God's will REALLY is, that I'll let it happen. I won't try to reason it out; I'll just let it be.
I'll lay my proverbial pregnancy on the altar and say:
"God, I really don't know what you're doing here. I don't know what to expect or how this matches with what I think to be true. But I do know that you have promised to take care of me and my family. I do know that you gave me a Godly marriage and the desire to want children. I know that no matter what, you'll provide for me everything I need and that your will and your timing is perfect. So I lay it here for you to do what you will. My ovulation calendars and pregnancy books, prenatal pills and baby names. It's all yours. I will trust you to do as you wish, even if it's not in my plan."
Monday, March 15, 2010
parallel
Here's the story of 2 friends:
About 7 years ago, Cathy and Tracy were introduced to each other by a mutual friend who realized the two had a lot in common. In fact, they were both in the midst of a very identical struggle. They each thought they were the only person in the world dealing with that issue, so they were instantly relieved to find another person just like them. They bonded over the next year as they helped each other go through that particular issue.
Through the course of that time, they discovered they actually had a lot more in common and their lives started to parallel each other. They both graduated college at the same time and dealt with the "Now what?" questions. They both got engaged and married within 18 months of the other one. They both helped their spouse figure out which seminaries to apply to and eventually packed up and moved away from their families to start a new life at that seminary. They both dealt with making new friends, balancing finding a personal life with professional life, new pets, etc.
So when Tracy started telling Cathy she was thinking about getting pregnant, she thought it would only be natural if Cathy was too. Tracy wanted to start trying, but life kept getting in the way. Even though Cathy wasn't trying, she was very interested in the possibility. They both talked to each other about websites, books, tips, etc. on getting pregnant and being pregnant. They knew it would be hard to time out their pregnancies, but they secretly hoped it would happen around the same time. They even joked about having a boy and a girl that grew up and married each other. It was all in good fun.
But then, unexpectedly, Cathy got pregnant. Tracy was ecstatic! She knew how much her friend was hoping to get started on the pregnancy process, and was happy it happened so quickly for her. But Tracy knew this meant that she'd have to get to work if she wanted the parallel life to continue...
(To Be Continued)
P.S. I am not Cathy
About 7 years ago, Cathy and Tracy were introduced to each other by a mutual friend who realized the two had a lot in common. In fact, they were both in the midst of a very identical struggle. They each thought they were the only person in the world dealing with that issue, so they were instantly relieved to find another person just like them. They bonded over the next year as they helped each other go through that particular issue.
Through the course of that time, they discovered they actually had a lot more in common and their lives started to parallel each other. They both graduated college at the same time and dealt with the "Now what?" questions. They both got engaged and married within 18 months of the other one. They both helped their spouse figure out which seminaries to apply to and eventually packed up and moved away from their families to start a new life at that seminary. They both dealt with making new friends, balancing finding a personal life with professional life, new pets, etc.
So when Tracy started telling Cathy she was thinking about getting pregnant, she thought it would only be natural if Cathy was too. Tracy wanted to start trying, but life kept getting in the way. Even though Cathy wasn't trying, she was very interested in the possibility. They both talked to each other about websites, books, tips, etc. on getting pregnant and being pregnant. They knew it would be hard to time out their pregnancies, but they secretly hoped it would happen around the same time. They even joked about having a boy and a girl that grew up and married each other. It was all in good fun.
But then, unexpectedly, Cathy got pregnant. Tracy was ecstatic! She knew how much her friend was hoping to get started on the pregnancy process, and was happy it happened so quickly for her. But Tracy knew this meant that she'd have to get to work if she wanted the parallel life to continue...
(To Be Continued)
P.S. I am not Cathy
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