Isaac

By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned."

The past few months have been very confusing for me. I want to be pregnant; I don't want to be pregnant. I think I am pregnant; I am not ready to be pregnant. Ups and downs and all sorts of craziness.

I've been really trying to just reason it out to make it perfect:
*I want a 2010 birthday, but not a winter birthday.
*If I get pregnant now, then this is when I'd be reporting back to work - is this a good unit for a sub to cover?
*Maybe if I hold out one more month, I can fly in for all the September birthdays this year.
*This month isn't going to be the month, cause I'm just in the mood tonight, and tonight's really the only night that the online calendar says we should try.
*I haven't been faithfully taking my prenatals, so maybe we should wait another month.
*I still need to read another book about being pregnant.
*Ok, I read a book on being pregnant, I'm ready right this second.
*The book says to avoid Mexican cheese, so maybe we should wait til after Cinco de Mayo
*March would be a good month, since we're naming our kid something Irish anyway.
*My best friend is pregnant, so that means I need to be.
*My other best friend won't let pregnant women in her wedding, so maybe I should wait.
*Maybe a dog is a better fit than a baby. Let's adpot this cute puppy I've found. It's what God wants.


And that's the thing. I reason it out and then say "It must be what God wants." Somehow, my logic equals God's will. (Proverbs 21:2 seems to disagree.) I have used all these things as indications of what God wants, instead of outright asking Him.

I even came right out this weekend and told people what I'm learning from God. I said I'm learning that "God wants me to want it, but doesn't want me to have it." Which very well could be true, and seems like it could be true, but I don't know that. I honestly don't know what God wants.

All I know is that I'm basically freaking out about it and trying to rationalize it to the point that I've actually made up God's will for my life (and it's of course based on what I've determined is the best course of action).

But reading those verses in Hebrews reminded me that it could very well seem that God wants/doesn't want me to have a child right now. But what I see isn't really the whole picture. Ultimately, I have to give it to God and just trust that whatever God's will REALLY is, that I'll let it happen. I won't try to reason it out; I'll just let it be.

I'll lay my proverbial pregnancy on the altar and say:
"God, I really don't know what you're doing here. I don't know what to expect or how this matches with what I think to be true. But I do know that you have promised to take care of me and my family. I do know that you gave me a Godly marriage and the desire to want children. I know that no matter what, you'll provide for me everything I need and that your will and your timing is perfect. So I lay it here for you to do what you will. My ovulation calendars and pregnancy books, prenatal pills and baby names. It's all yours. I will trust you to do as you wish, even if it's not in my plan."